a new season

I started an internship this week at Shoehorn Design. It's awesome. Seven people, laid back atmosphere, not too busy because it's the end of the year, and I've got to design a few things. It's been almost a year since I did much creative work. I was a little afraid of getting back into the swing of things - I know I'm still kinda slow & my motivation went sour about two years ago (a year before I graduated). It was really tough to finish school out - I didn't enjoy design anymore & it was such a fight internally to get anything out. When that happens it's hard to do any good work. You can tell when someone enjoys their art/creative projects - it shows through in every little detail of the piece. You can tell if something is forced & not natural - in art as well as in people. Well, everything seemed forced & nothing made sense for me. It wasn't internally motivated, but externally forced upon me (that's how I felt).

I went to talk to my high school art teacher's classes last Monday. That was a joy. It was cool to talk to these kids who like art. I remembered where I came from ... just the same as them, enjoying drawing people with prismacolors, getting in the zone with my artwork, and I think most of all finding beauty in the people & things around me and trying to capture that through my artwork/express that to the world. I think it's so important for us to share our perspectives. I was telling them how I worked on these huge movies & fun projects (but somewhere along the road I had forgotten who I was/why I do art). I so enjoyed being around people who just enjoy doing art - mostly for themselves, just trying to express their perspective/view of beauty/joy/pain/misery/life. That's why I got into art, not having a clue where it would lead me, only knowing that it was uncharted territory - no one in my family had really pursued art, and I didn't know anyone who had really gone that direction. I only knew that's what I enjoyed, and I guess I had an eye for capturing details/seeing things (only after I won a huge scholarship from the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo Western Art Program, an art camp and auctioned my piece for $3800 did I really realize I might have some talent). It was so good to be back home and remember my roots.

I've had a lot of peace about doing design/art at this internship. I think part of it is that I'm not paid - there is no pressure to perform. I only get to try to come up with some solutions. If they don't like it, they can do it themselves. It's pretty slow. I don't feel like there is any competition - just people doing their own thing. I mostly just focus on one project during a day, but soon I might get to work on longer projects. The people there are really friendly too - caring about people (not pressure to perform), always joking & just doing silly things. That's the kind of creative environment I like - relaxed, non-competitive, maybe collabortaive, inspirational & fun. I think when you show people how much you value & appreciate them, they do much better work. They are internally motivated & the work is natural.

The tough part of doing something that you love for a living is learning to not take things personally. I think when you devote so much of your time, thoughts & efforts to creative projects, you start to think THAT is who you are (which I think is where I got messed up). My art does not define me. I am only a small part of a much bigger world. When I get into my art, I create/perceive my own personal world, but I forget who I am - that I am just another person. Art used to be fun when I didn't rely on it so much. It was just an expression of who I am, not a basis for grading, or now, my paycheck.

I think it's been good to take this year off of my artwork, even though it's difficult to get back into it. It's been good to struggle, face the reality of life & spend quality time with people. I think it's been a reality check - who I am/why do I do the things I do/what do I want to do/enjoy doing - how important a job is just to provide money for rent, bills, food & so you can go out with friends.

I also started a job this week working at a coffee shop that I hang out at. I have quite a few friends there & enjoy being there. There are lots of college kids, which I have missed since I graduated, and just lots of people, which I have missed the last few months. I'm training again tonight on how to make the coffee drinks. I've got a lot to learn. It is SO good to have a job, and with people that I know & enjoy being with. I'll work there part-time, which will pay for all my bills & allow me time to be in an internship, work on freelance projects, and work on developing my multimedia/flash/animation/motion graphic skills & put some more pieces in my portfolio that show I can do that. I think part of my difficulty in trying to get a multimedia job is that I don't have much in my portfolio. So I plan on spending the next 5-6 months (maybe longer, I am not sure yet) learning & developing some multimedia/motion graphics work ... like taking another semester at school, but doing projects for myself. I already have a basic-fairly good understanding of the technical parts of flash & after effects. Now I just have to think up some different projects/problems, experiment, practice on little projects, try out different styles & solutions.

I'm excited about the new season. I need to take some time to just practice & work on projects that I like - to enjoy life, to work & not worry constantly about bills/the next meal, to spend time with friends, to enjoy doing art/design and be myself. It's a good time. I am excited. Things are starting to happen & I won't have the constant pressure of finding a job looming over me. We'll see what happens. I'll try to let you know & show you what's going on with this website.